How to not constantly fight with each other when becoming parents

Having children can bring significant changes to a relationship, both positive and challenging. I’ve been there.. we’ve been there and I understand the burden on a relationship.

Here are some of the most common reasons I see in my practice:

• Increased Responsibility: Raising children comes with a significant increase in responsibilities, from feeding and changing diapers to ensuring the child’s safety and well-being. These added responsibilities can be physically and emotionally taxing.
• Time Demands: Children require a lot of time and attention, leaving less time for the couple to spend together. This can lead to a feeling of neglect and a lack of quality time for the relationship.
• Sleep Deprivation: New parents, in particular, often experience sleep deprivation due to the demands of caring for a newborn. This can lead to increased irritability and a lack of energy for romance.
• Shifting Priorities: The primary focus of the relationship may shift from each other to the child’s well-being, as parenting becomes a primary concern. This change in priorities can make the partner feel secondary in each other’s lives.
• Financial Stress: Raising children can be expensive, and financial stress can strain the relationship. Disagreements about budgeting, spending, and financial goals may arise.
• Differences in Parenting Styles: Partners may have differing approaches to parenting, which can lead to disagreements and conflicts. These differences need to be addressed and resolved through open communication.
• Reduced Intimacy: Physical intimacy and sexual activity may decrease, particularly in the early stages of parenthood, due to fatigue, stress, and time constraints. Couples may need to adapt and find new ways to maintain intimacy.
• Communication Challenges: Parenting can introduce new communication challenges, including miscommunication and misunderstandings about parenting decisions and responsibilities.
• Role Changes: Both partners may experience shifts in their roles and identities as they take on new responsibilities as parents. These changes can impact how they see themselves and each other.
• Stress and Conflict: The added stress and responsibility of parenthood can lead to more frequent conflicts and disagreements. Finding healthy ways to manage and resolve conflicts is crucial.

To address these challenges and maintain a healthy and loving relationship, it’s essential for both of you to communicate openly, support each other, and find ways to balance your roles as parents with your roles as partners. Seeking help from a therapist or counselor can also be beneficial in navigating these challenges and strengthening the relationship. Don’t underestimate a fresh and neutral pair of eyes.

While parenting can be challenging, it can also be a source of growth, joy, and connection for couples who navigate it successfully.

What can be done? How can you solve the issues?

When I work with women who want to improve their relationship with their spouse and get clarity around what it is they want it’s obviously a very tailored approach. No problem can be solved with the same solutions but there are a few patterns I see:

So many of us didn’t grow up learning how to talk about difficult topics, especially if our parents fought in front of us, fought destructively, or never really talked – you know, the famous silent treatment?! In my sessions, we deep dive into those old patterns that you learned as a child of how conflict is handled and how conflict feels in the body. You are safe, it’s safe to discuss different opinions, and points of view or even just voice your discomfort about something your partner does or says. I teach the 4-step nonviolent communication model that can be applied to your spouse, your child, your boss, and your own mother.

Where are your boundaries? Did you ever develop a good sense of boundaries? It could be that you are not aware, comfortable, and confident in your own boundaries. We tap into that as well in our sessions. Boundaries are important and they are here to keep a relationship, not to distance yourself from your spouse.

The lack of intimacy is sometimes directly linked to being tired, overwhelmed, and overworked with little kids. That’s not really something to be worried about, because from my experience, couples get back together when the kids start sleeping more, and they will! But what if everyone sleeps well, you find a good routine, you are back at work and love your job, and in general everything feels in a good place? But still, you don’t want to be intimate. You cringe just by the thought of it and you avoid even the little innocent touches and kisses because you are afraid they will lead to more. In this case, I see often that the lack of intimacy is linked to a lack of inner safety. Feeling safe in our body is something we learn from a very young age and if we didn’t have parents who supported us there, the lack of safety comes up now that you are a mother. With RTT and BWRT I help moms release the knot in their stomach and chest to being open to receive and to enjoy being close to their partner again.

Whatever your solution looks like, I want to give you hope, that it can be done.

My name is Stefanie Fernandes and I created this podcast for you as a resource in your parenting. I am a therapist certified in RTT and BWRT and a conscious parenting coach.

Solutions for Relationship Challenges in Parenthood with Sharon Costanzo. Episode 37